Top 10: Reasons Women Can't Drive

No.10 - They let their dogs in the car

OK, know those slutty C-list wannabe celebrities whose best film work was in “accidentally leaked” home movies? They’re the types who let their dogs in the car. Everyday women do this too. And why? Even the use of “dog” is stretching it, since the canines in question are possibly cats with personality disorders. Anyway, one yippy little thing riding on the lap of another yippy little thing equals one big reason women can’t drive.

No.9 - They let their friends in the car

We let our buddies ride in the car with us, and what happens? Every guy is acting like he’s the driver. We all have our eyes on the road at all times, regardless of the discussion. Conversations are held without eye contact as long as the car’s moving, period. For women, the focus is on everyone except the world rushing at them. Do us a favor: If you’re going to do that on the road, take the bus.

No.8 - They obstruct their vision with crap

One of the reasons women can’t drive is because they can’t see out of their cars. Maybe we missed the memo, but exactly when did it become a good idea to hang 20 pounds of beads, leis and other assorted crap from the rearview mirror to block your vision? These women would be better off driving backward. Oh wait, no they wouldn’t, because more often than not there’s another 20 pounds of crap on the shelf by the back window. Until women ditch the window dressing, this reason women can't drive stands.

No.7 - They sing while driving

Road tunes are as vital as gas itself, but some of what passes for music lately must be partially to blame for bad driving. We’ll contemplate the cultural significance of Katy Perry some other time, but singing along with her or whatever other disposable artist du jour while driving is a disaster on standby. When women sing and drive, the driving becomes far less a concern than the choreography to go with the shrieking. Please, no encore.

No.6 - They use the mirrors to look at themselves

Even if your girlfriend can and does get by without applying trowels of makeup behind the wheel, we're willing to wager she still uses the mirrors for personal reasons. Yes, just to look at herself. Like her looks are going to metamorphose into Quasimodo between stoplights. But, hey, why wait for stoplights when you can flip down the visor and open a world of oblivion?

No.5 - They make calls and send texts while driving

Apparently, pointless blather is best conducted at the wheel instead of while stationary. Of the reasons women can’t drive, this is one you might be enabling without realizing it. So, for her safety, and that of other drivers and pedestrians in the vicinity, don’t talk or text her back if your girl’s in her car. And if you see someone in traffic doing this, give her all the space she needs, cuz OMG, IMO u wont LOL if ur stuck next 2 a texter.

No.4 - They have no interest in cars

Another reason women can’t drive is a matter of interest -- or rather, a lack thereof. You can’t do well at something when your give-a-damn meter reads zero point zero. Women have no interest in cars beyond them serving as appliances of transport. As long as it starts, all is well. So when dash lights flash, components make ugly sounds or smoke appears, it may or may not resonate with the female driver that these are less than ideal operating characteristics.

No.3 - They have no interest in driving

This reason women can’t drive is more or less an extension of our last point. When you talk about their interest in driving, the give-a-damn meter dips into negative numbers. It’s understandable; they just don't get the same enjoyment we do, so their focus wanders and their execution suffers. We're not asking for style points here, just to keep your car in one lane at a time would be appreciated. Thanks.

No.2 - They have no spatial awareness

Women don’t always understand that cars and iPods function a little differently -- and not just on a size level. You don’t just press “shuffle” to parallel park. Choosing “stop” doesn’t halt the vehicle instantly. You can’t move four lanes just like hitting “skip.” There’s no “replay” to do-over when you screw up. It takes time and space to make any traffic move in any car, and when road conditions go south, it gets even worse.

No.1 - They have no driving gene

So, most of our reasons women can’t drive are based on behavior. Our top reason goes deeper: It’s genetic. Despite what we've claimed in bars, we're no experts, but we can tell you this: Women simply do not have the driving gene. As for us men, we’re missing the waxing gene. And is that really so bad? And OK, some women have proven they have a clue -- take Danica Patrick, she’s an exception, an exceptional exception, but still an exception. For just about everyone else, the only antidote is good insurance.